


Embarrassingly Long

by glittergrenade



Series: *quickly posts all my TotA fics just before s03s01 comes out* [4]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Brain Damage, Canon Divergence, Gen, Mental Illness, Post-Episode: s02e19-20 Twilight of the Apprentice, dark side Ezra, highly evil ezra, kanan centric, possibly, unusualness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 01:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8124484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glittergrenade/pseuds/glittergrenade
Summary: It was an embarrassingly long time before Kanan realized how deep into the Dark side Ezra had strayed.In Kanan's defense, he was blind and had about a million other things to worry about — the largest of these being tormented and manipulated by Ezra's subconscious.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer, I'm not saying this is at all realistic or likely to happen (nor should it happen tbh). If Ezra does go all out evil, his descent would probably be a lot more drawn-out and slow with room for tons of angst, because, you know, Ezra is an angsty child, he's not a psychopath, but what you gonna do
> 
> Disclaimer II, that first disclaimer was totally not a spoiler so don't go jumping to conclusions
> 
> this was too dumpster fire an idea for spoilers
> 
> yo the season 3 premiere still hasn't come out yet right cool

It was (frankly and objectively) an embarrassingly long time before Kanan realized how deep, how _irreversibly_ , into the Dark side Ezra had strayed. But in the meantime, there was a hella lot to occupy him.

To be fair, Kanan had not been in the most perceptive mood since Malachor. Not to put a pun on the fact that he'd also lost his literal sight of the world…

Sabine had _tried_ to encourage him by telling a cliché folk tale of some blind chick whose other senses had strengthened to compensate. He appreciated her intent, but the days were passing since the battle, and none of that was happening for Kanan. Sure, the Force was cool, but it wasn't _seeing_. Especially when it was obscured with the throbbing in his head, the icicles hammering at his chest, the straight up _frightening_ — kriff that, he wasn't frightened. It was just… he was already missing Sabine's colorful paintings, something he had once thought impossible; not to mention anything else… like, faces. Oh, Hera.

With his real world nothing but darkness, Kanan was instead spending a lot of time in his head. Ever since his return, Hera hadn't once taken a step out of his shouting range, which he privately appreciated. Listening to her steady presence in the Force, he could almost pretend things weren't so bad. Almost. When he was calm enough to feel anything that wasn't inside of him.

On the somewhat funny side, he'd managed to screw up his goatee twice this past week. Now he'd given up, resigning to grow a full beard. It wasn't like he needed to keep his face looking handsome anymore, not with a blindfold atop disgusting burns over half of it. His refusal to let Hera help him shave and wash himself didn't seem like a stretch to him — he wished it wouldn't to her, either — but unfortunately, that probably added to the omnipresent whisperings that Kanan was "depressed".

Kanan was actually inclined to _strongly disagree_ on that one, although he guessed he could tell where she was coming from, with "depressed." It was true he didn't exactly _do_ much lately — but he hadn't been assigned any missions since Malachor (not that he asked for them). He pointed this out to her in his least-eager way, donning it his personal mission to not let her worry — but coming up with ways to do that made him so exhausted. _Existing_ was tiring when you were an irreparably broken Jedi. Keeping busy was what had helped him focus on the brighter things in his dim past, but that was when he'd quit Jedi-ing, and that didn't work anymore. And no lie, blindness didn't help with keeping busy either; not that it was entirely an excuse, as he hadn't practiced his lightsaber kata in ages now.

Well, it wasn't like he was physically up-to-snuff, aka something way less awkward to talk about, although it did bring his attention to where physical and mental seemed to collide. If something was faulty in his brain (which _because reasons_ was scary hard to deny), it was something else entirely — Kanan wasn't sure which medical realm it fell into when he couldn't stop shaking, when his skin froze and unfamiliar emotions clouded his body, when his Force bond with Ezra pulsed with fire, when he sensed with a burning certainty that something here was very very _wrong_ — but well, it wasn't a normal human experience. _Panic attacks_ , Hera had called them when he'd confided in her, but he wasn't sure that descriptor exactly fit. Sure, one moment he was just sad, the next he was in a shivering fit of cold and fear with helpings of evil for all. But whatever this was, he sensed it was entwined deeply with the Force, in a way Kanan had never received enough training to decipher.

…On the other hand, maybe it was just an effect of the head trauma. The med droid had said something seemed to be up with that.

Something that was increasingly worrying (apart from the fact that anything could be more worrying), was precisely how these episodes affected his connection to the Force. It was no joke that this felt evil, and he had the courage to acknowledge that it _did_ scare him. In odd moments he would get lightheaded and lose his balance; and it wasn't like he didn't realize the realness of his wounds, but the Force didn't seem to be helping; rather it seemed to echo around him in unfamiliar ways, strangely making him feel even colder and alone.

And it wasn't like he was helpless. Meditation did combat the experiences, but it took energy that he never felt like expending; and besides, sometimes the tremors hit too hard to even attempt focus. If the Force had any clear message for him, that sense of something being very wrong was what consistently pulsed through his mind. Something, here, in his immediate vicinity, was not the way it should be.

He didn't like how scared he got in these drawn-out moments — himself being totally as collected an individual as any Jedi Master (thanks Temple Guard) was supposed to be. But maybe it was for the best; it was getting hard to stay detached when he wanted to scream at the sky. If only he could pour all that energy into meditation! Or here's a revolution, into _life_! He knew he was never gonna feel _good_ , but that didn't mean he was willing to settle with the tumult that kept enveloping him — that especially (as he didn't fail to notice)… especially these disturbances had to happen when Ezra was around! Thus it all lead back to Ezra. Ezra Bridger, and the embarrassingly long time it took for Kanan to realize the inevitable.

Defense is always an important line of strategy, so _again_ in Kanan's defense: he had noticed the pattern from early on. He was smart enough to notice his "panic attacks" correlated somehow to Ezra. It had first begun on their flight back, as Kanan held his crying apprentice on the Phantom; Kanan had felt an unmistakable surge of the Dark side pouring out of Ezra. Not a surprise, but nothing that would have lasting effects, Kanan had thought. The kid's life had just fallen apart around him, and Ezra couldn't help how the Dark side touched that within him. Ezra was strong enough, wise enough, never to _give in_ to it. Krag. It had been idiotic of Kanan not to worry then. Oh, how stupid that had been… in his defense, that had been one hell of a horrible day.

Then there had came the rolling and the agony, and the ice colder than ice, and the tremors and the terrors and the sense of overwhelming _sadness_ and the Force-given knowledge that something was just so wrong right here and now —

An image of the last face Kanan had ever seen, would _ever_ see, hovered behind his roasted eyelids. Red and black with horns burned into Kanan's nonexistent retinas. It was the face that would wake him in nightmares for the rest of his life. That was alright, though. He could live with that. It made _sense_. It was perfectly _understandable_.

And, and now —

Ezra had been quiet since Malachor. He'd cried some, and wandered off by the spiders more, as if he couldn't stand to be around the crew. Kanan knew the kid was distraught, but how could he help Ezra when he couldn't even figure himself out? Ironically, Kanan was at highest motivation to be strong when the kid was around. Ezra's shady Force signature was a living reminder that _somebody_ needed training from Kanan. But it was like that irony hated him, because of course that was also when it was hardest for Kanan stay strong. He could feel the Dark side, more frequently than it ever had before, and tumultuous emotions, and then his heart would pound so hard, it was impossible to make sense of what was going on, and he was so confused.

The Dark side — that unnerved him so much it probably could've made him quake without the unnatural _medical_ problems. Was it _him_? He knew that the Dark side of the Force called to his apprentice in ways Kanan could never relate with. He'd seen it, plus he'd been been flat-out told so in his vision — but Ezra was a good kid, and he really _respected_ Kanan (a miracle in itself), and he'd proved it all in what they'd been through.

In contrast Kanan was a mess, regardless of any diagnosis. He spent as much time in his cabin as Ezra spent trying to connect with spiders, which was a heck of a lot. His shaking, the tremors… the term may be "mostly," it didn't _only_ happen when Ezra was nearby. Though it wasn't possible not to see the connection. Yet Ezra would never try to hurt him. No matter what, Ezra couldn't be inflicting this on him. Even if he was remotely capable. Or if it was even possible.

Kanan had never felt a pull to the Dark side. There had been a time when he'd rejected the Force altogether, but he never would even have considered practicing something as inherently evil as he'd been taught the Dark side was. Besides, there was just no desirability to it. But maybe, that unguarded attitude had… made _him_ susceptible? He had no idea how it worked, but he _was_ just sure that Ezra wouldn't do it — not just because it was evil, not just because Kanan was being _hurt_ , but the strength, the power… the evil overwhelmed his senses, sometimes, when it got very cold. Kanan told himself he'd have to be insane all the way to think Ezra could be responsible for this. Although, he'd also have to be pretty crazy to be inflicting this on himself, if it did come from within… And he was supposed to not be worrying Hera! By _not_ being crazy!

Emotion was a gateway drug to the Dark side, and with how bad Kanan had been failing on that since Malachor, barely able to hold himself together for the people he cared about… there was definitely reason to… wonder about himself. He would've thought he'd know if he was tapping into that forbidden energy, but it fit. He had been taught that the Dark side was very strong, impossibly vast and dangerous, and this all fit. It was evil.

So he fought. Now guilt for whatever he must subconsciously feel about Ezra was what drowned out his brain whenever these episodes came upon him, which only made it even harder to think to resist what was happening; until he didn't know how to even begin to meditate, and he couldn't control it, and he got so confused — and no, it still wasn't Ezra. Kriff the kid's Force signature getting in the way. Ezra would never do this. Ezra might not believe it, but the kid wasn't even half as screwed up as Kanan was. Kanan had a longer darker history to call upon.

He had a kriffing good explanation why the majority of these episodes took place when Ezra was near. Ezra was a reminder. Anger lead to the Dark side, and no, Kanan didn't want feel any anger towards Ezra, he was his Paduwan, he _loved_ him — he couldn't blame him for what had happened to his eyes, it wasn't Ezra's fault. Darth Maul had used the boy like a plaything, and the loss of Kanan's sight — and Ahsoka's life — it all was because of Darth Maul. That was why the red and black haunted Kanan. The last face he'd ever see. Ezra was another victim. Kanan's pounding heart went out to his Paduwan. It was Darth Maul who had done this to both of them… and to poor Ahsoka. But it was _Kanan_ who couldn't control his response — Kanan who was becoming like the Sith who had done this to him. And the Dark side was supposed to lure through power, but it made him feel smaller than he'd felt in years.

But it wasn't Ezra. It couldn't be. He told himself that whenever he sensed something that didn't fit in, because he told himself it had to be true. Irony. Until, the embarrassingly long time had run his course.

And it was happening again. The frosty coldness, throbbing terror, Kanan was shaking… The panic was ever constant, somewhere in the back of his mind, even when Ezra was far away. Kanan guessed it came out of not seeing his surroundings. The same as what lead to the Dark side. He tried to blink, but he couldn't, and he didn't know which way was up. It hurt. He felt like he was dying.

Then a voice entered into his consciousness, screaming his name. It was familiar, but he couldn't focus on anything.

Then suddenly, he could.

The Dark side still enveloped him, but it was different. Instead of a hostile, unstoppable, ruthless, bewildering energy — it was _soft_. Cold, yes, but in almost a soothing way — gentle. Like he was being rocked to sleep by an abominable snowman. Yet it still felt horribly _wrong_ inside his heart. Not something he could be _okay_ with. He was still gasping for air for a while, his body shaking like a Kessel groundquake as he lay on his back on a hard surface. Gloved hands were light on his chest, quavering almost as hard as he was. "Kanan! No… no…" it sounded desperate, hopeless, broken, afraid. "Master, no…"

And then he realized what was happening.

"Ezra…" Kanan coughed, his Paduwan's Force signature glowing through the bond. "Ezra."

"Kanan," he repeated, exhaling in relief, and for a moment laid his cheek against Kanan's chest. It felt strange. "Are you okay? I just came in your room to borrow your lightsaber and — do you have seizures?"

Kanan didn't know how to answer. His brain felt like a mush of jumbled facts and thoughts, and the soothing Dark side was still… not uncomfortable, but so wrong, and… "Get away from me." The words came out of Kanan's mouth without a second of premeditation. Hurt sparked from his apprentice, and he immediately tried to amend it. "Something's wrong, Ezra."

The pressure of Ezra's hands vanished, but didn't get up or take a step back. "I can see that. Look, you wanna lie in your bed?"

"Ezra, something is wrong with me." Kanan's throat choked up. Again, words came unbidden. "The Dark side is so _strong_."

Now it was Ezra's turn to swallow hard. "I know." Amazingly passive. He paused. "I'll get Hera, master, she's better at fixing people up."

"No!" Kanan reached out accurately and grasped Ezra's arm before he moved away. His heart was pounding, and they were way past due some master-Paduwan bonding time. "I don't want her to worry. She's babied me enough."

"Okay." A flicker of humor, brief but beautiful, but the concern didn't leave his face.

"Something's very wrong, Ezra." Kanan's heart was still thudding, the Dark side feeling like an itch he couldn't scratch. His tangled brain was racing too fast for him to keep up. "It keeps happening. It won't stop happening to me."

"I know." Ezra was quiet, but extreme concern and a little bit of panic was thick in his voice.

Kanan pressed on, in a rush that he didn't understand why. "I feel so cold. I don't know what Maul did to me, but I'm cold and it hurts and, and, I don't know what's _wrong_ with me." He did have a pretty good idea what might be wrong, but it was hard to form it into words to Ezra. He hated to worry Ezra, too, he was just a kid; but this was important directly to him, he could at least sense it.

"I feel you," Ezra said, his hands on him again. Awkward pause. Obligatory backtrack. "I mean, I don't understand exactly how you feel because I've never been blind with seizures, but, damn, you sure you don't want Hera? Sabine? Zeb?"

"Ezra…" Maybe Kanan was depressed after all, because he sure felt in a low mood. He was also desperate. "It's the Dark side. I know it's the Dark side. I… I just need to know if you know _anything_ about it, if you've been doing… anything… because I think I'm becoming something I don't want to be. And you need to leave me for your safety. Get rid of me."

Ezra's breath caught into a pant, as if he was either running a marathon or hyperventilating. "Don't say that! You're perfect!"

"You don't _understand_ ," Kanan tried, exhausted.

"Just tell me everything. Have you wielded the Dark side? It's not that bad, Kanan, we've been through so much with the Jedi way when this was here the whole time. We can destroy all the Inquisitors, we can kill Vader, we can kill the Emperor. My parents, Ahsoka's death won't be for nothing. Don't be afraid of it, I was too at first, but it's _okay_ …"

Kanan's mind was in ripples. He was barely listening to what Ezra was saying… he was just comprehending the first part. The next. One at a time. His heart was knifed with a million little pins. "It's you," he realized softly. It was a confession. And it didn't shock or surprise Kanan nearly as much as it should've. "You've been… Force, Ezra, what have you done?"

"What?" Ezra looked snapped half out of a dream. "Nothing. I just found everything, all in the holocron—"

"You opened the _Sith_ holocron?!" Karan's heart was pounding. But he should be _more_ surprised. Why wasn't he more surprised?

"Kanan!" Ezra was clearly stressed. "You were talking to me about it. I knew you… I was pretty sure you wouldn't accept this way, that you wouldn't accept the holocron we went through so much for, but… I thought you said… you feel it too! I thought… you… you know the real reason the Jedi rejected the so-called Dark side of the Force was because they were _weak fools_ who couldn't admit the fact that they couldn't handle—"

"Ezra!" Kanan's head hurt so much he wished he could cry. Ezra's indignation flooded into worry through their bond. He was such a mess it was hard to think about all the dead Jedi he'd just dissed. And… it was him… he was doing this to him… "I thought I was crazy!" Kanan shouted, but it ended with another tearless choke. "I thought I'd been seduced by the Dark side—"

"And how could you think that?" Ezra snapped. "You could never understand what I'm doing, you…" he paused, and swallowed. Kanan could hear that Ezra was crying now. "They won't believe you. You _are_ crazy, Kanan, so my word'll be stronger than yours. And if they do believe you, they'll understand! Some of them! They'll have to. Kriff, Kanan, are you even actually having a seizure? What are you doing? You lost your _eyes_ , not your _legs_."

Kanan was silent. It was obvious Ezra's words right now more were lead by feelings more than _any_ actual thought at all, so Kanan tried not to let it get to him. He only _wished_ it was true that he was just overreacting or whatever. But it didn't change anything. Ezra was a little rogue, but he was being so… insensitive. It wasn't like him. Kanan reached out through the Force, looking for any trace of his Paduwan, but he was met with a solid barrier of dark energy. All traces of that cold softness had gone. Ezra was so powerful… how hadn't he realized it before? How had he ever believed… anything… so self-depreciating, so wrong? Ezra was his enemy and… no.

This was so wrong.

"Ezra," he whispered, and didn't even hesitate. He opened himself. For some reason, he trusted him.

Ezra scowled, but Kanan could feel him jabbing carelessly at his mind. "What's your game? You would really try something against me, the guy you promised to train? You never meant any of it, did you? It was all conditional, provided I conform to some mold laid out for me. You're worse than the Empire."

"Look. Please," Kanan flinched. Ezra's accusations stung even more than the roughness in Kanan's mind, which was probably the point, but Kanan was putting his whole self on the line. This would be the ultimate test whether Ezra still… even gave a damn about him. "I give you permission to use your Dark side powers to see." Not that he would, but Ezra _could_ kill him right now if he wanted. He could slowly disassemble Kanan from the inside out, he could destroy him, and he could get away with it. Purposefully Kanan tore down his own mental shields. It hurt, but he didn't care. He had been expecting this for months, he realized. It was about time. If his Paduwan was going to kill him, so be it. The Temple Guard had said there was no way Kanan could save Ezra from himself. If this wasn't what he'd meant, Kanan didn't care. No wonder he was able to keep so calm right now.

Ezra was silent, but Kanan could feel him enter his mind. The distrust seemed to go both ways — Ezra had never really known him if he thought Kanan would try anything against him. He supposed Ezra was too powerful to have much to fear from a blind man. Kanan felt Ezra's fingers against his physical skin, but they weren't cruel. The boy was focused, searching, and Kanan could sense the anger dissipating. Kanan shuddered as he felt the chill fully enter his mind. The feeling it created was impossible to explain, but he just wanted it to _stop_.

It was very brief thankfully, because suddenly Ezra jerked back, stumbling his presence out, as if stunned. "Kanan!" He pulled his hands away, standing up (from the sound of it) and taking a few steps backwards. "Kanan… I'm so sorry — you're so screwy!"

Kanan didn't know how to feel. Screwy… maybe (he was starting to think), _Ezra_ was the crazy one — because even accounting for the Dark side, none of his reactions were making any sense. "What?" His voice can out weak, the whole sense of betrayal that Ezra had dealt to him really sinking into his soul. Ezra had been not only using the Dark side, but learning from the Sith holocron for weeks now, and… to think Kanan had considered him _self_ a traitor for even humoring the thought that Ezra could be responsible for any of the Dark side that had tormented him!

"It doesn't make sense," Ezra's voice was shaking, and he seemed nervous more than any viciousness — because he was a sweet kid, Kanan knew he was sweet, but the Dark side within Ezra was choking. "It's not my fault." Quick to defend himself, but his voice was still unsteady. "I would never hurt you. The whole reason I chose to use the thing in the first place was to save you. Everything I've done has been for you, Kanan! Where could I have gone wrong?"

The realization of what he was saying hit Kanan some other type of way. Ezra had thought using the Dark side was somehow for _his_ good? Guilt threatened to pop its top, and Kanan's throat tightened; but somehow he couldn't help a snarky, "Maybe when you opened the box in the first place?"

Fortunately Ezra ignored him. Instead he turned away, and Kanan heard the sound of stomping as if Ezra was throwing some kind of a pacing fit. "What is this? You promised! You promised I'd be able to protect them!" He was screaming at the ceiling, obviously furious at no one. Kanan's throat tightened, and guilt seeped into his brain. Who was he talking to? More guilt. Ezra _was_ crazy. He legitimately wasn't right in the head, one way or another. And that meant all this pain wasn't as entirely and hopelessly Ezra's fault as it seemed.

"Ezra—" Kanan pushed his body into a sitting position, but he was saved by another interrupter.

Loud knock on the door. "You boys okay in there?" Well great, Hera had heard the screaming. The door slid open before she could receive an answer, and she came in, crouching beside Kanan. "You okay?"

"Ezra," Kanan jutted his chin towards the screaming apprentice, and she nodded, taking off at the kid.

"Ezra! Ezra sweetie, calm down." It sounded like kind of a tussle, but Kanan didn't think they were actually fighting. Especially when it ended with (the Force told him clear as sight ever could) Ezra sobbing into Hera's arms, and the latter rocking him gently, concern radiating off her.

Kanan rubbed his limbs. They felt like jello, but refrigerated jello, and somehow he managed to stand and wrap his arms around both of them. He rested his chin on Ezra's head, gently stroking Hera's head-tails. Ezra's hair felt strange under Kanan's beard… it felt short, Kanan thought.

It was a disappointingly short hug. Ezra pulled back, rubbing his arms. "I'm sorry, Kanan." His voice was fast, jittery. "I didn't know that was happening to you. It wasn't me, though, you have to believe me."

 _Believe you?_ Kanan said nothing, but felt cynical as hell. _Just a minute ago you were threatening to lie about your Sithy-ness to make me look crazier to Hera._ His own apprentice. His own apprentice.

"Hey, relax." Kanan felt Hera's body leave him to approach the trembling kid once more. "We're all on the same side here. Just sit down, and we can talk about it."

"I, I don't think I'm the one we need to talk about." Ezra's voice was still fast, but Kanan didn't hear him sit down. "It's _Kanan_ , Hera, we need to do something—"

"Shh." Hera was stern for whatever reason, but also panicky. "Listen, please don't blame yourself right now…"

"I'm not! It's _not_ my fault!" Ezra was crying enough to drench his voice in tears. "Well, sure it is, but it doesn't matter if it's my fault! Tons of things are my fault that you couldn't even imagine! But… he, he… _they_ wouldn't do this to him, _they_ wouldn't, it must be inside of him… you need to tell him."

"Who's 'they'?" Hera asked quietly.

"Tell me what?" Kanan was on guard. The room was thick with the Dark side, and they seemed to have a secret, but no…

No.

Whatever evil Ezra had become, there was _no way in hell_ Hera would back the kid in it.

"Kanan, I think you need to sit down too." He'd seldom heard Hera sound this nervous. And he didn't sit down.

"I think somebody needs to tell me what the kriff you guys are up to." Kanan curled his lip against the cold in his spine. "Hera."

She took a deep breath, and immediately started speaking. "I will. But you should really sit down. It's about your eyes, what Darth Maul did to you on Malachor. You remember those medical examinations, the times when they had to put you out?"

Kanan nodded. Being put to sleep in the med bay had been a relief from the tension on the base lately… even though they hadn't been able to save his eyes.

"Well, they did get something out of it. Darth Maul's lightsaber went into your face deeper than we thought. It was a miracle you were able to move at all, let alone defeat Maul and save Ezra and get him back to the ship—"

"How deep we talking?" Kanan demanded, cutting her off from whatever rambling ideas her head had gotten. He was very upset. His heart was pounding and his head was throbbing and he felt light on his feet but cold, so cold…

"It's not only your eyes, Kanan, the lightsaber punctured your skull." Hera paused, as if for effect; but he figured it was really out of emotion. "It… possibly damaged your brain."

That jerked him back to reality. " _What_?"

"The medic says it might be irreversible," Hera was saying, as if it wasn't the end of the world. "I'm sorry, Kanan, I wanted to be the one to tell you…"

"But you didn't." Kanan's heart was racing. Were all his friends betraying him? Or was it just his 'brain damage' making him think that? "But you told Ezra first, is that what happened?"

"No!" Hera sounded really upset now, too; Hera, the one who usually held them all together when things were bad. "He was there when the medic told me. He was _worried_ for you, Kanan, he spent hours by your bedside when you were asleep."

"Did you?" Kanan's attention turned to Ezra, who slumped nervously against the wall. "Only here while I was asleep. I wonder why _that_ might be."

"You're paranoid!" He felt Hera's hands clasp his, then travel up the length of his arms to reach his shoulders. She was quavering. "And they said it wasn't that bad, it might be hard on you but they _said_ you should still be able to function…"

Kanan was shaking as well, fear traveling up is spine. Instinctively, he grabbed onto Hera. She started, but held him too. She was crying.

"It's not that bad?" Kanan whispered into her shoulder. It came out muffled. "They said my brain would be fine?"

"Not necessarily _fine_ fine, but manageable," Hera muttered back through tears. "I _thought_. Maybe I heard the prognosis through my veil of optimism. I should have told you sooner. Please don't worry, you will be fine, just know that I care about you and I won't leave you, okay?"

"I… I know." It was all too much. Kanan didn't know how to express anything he was feeling. But her warm presence in the Force almost shielded him from that of Ezra… which though not currently hostile, he couldn't deny was the root of something less-than-holy. If he could even trust his sense of the Force. Bitterly, he figured he could. "Tell me," he said then, standing upright and rubbing at his blindfold, "is it real or just in my head, that Ezra has kind of went full-on Sith behind my back?"

"Kanan," Hera gasped, but Kanan was focused only on his Paduwan. Ezra hadn't left. He was still present, watching them through a sleeping cloak of darkness.

"I'm not a Sith," Ezra's voice said, but there wasn't as much emotion as there had been before. "Hera, it's okay. He's right, but he's not thinking clearly."

"I'm thinking about as clearly as I need to—"

"Kanan, please!" And Ezra was all emotional again, anguished. "I didn't do this to you. You have to understand. I thought you _despised_ me—"

"Why would I despise you?" Kanan gazed at him, his heart pounding. It was getting hard to focus again, but he looked towards Ezra, sensing his figure in the Force, and he saw his Paduwan laced into the Dark side. Just a boy who had lost everything. A boy like him. How could _he_ think he despised him? "I could never despise you, Ezra, I could _never_! I haven't been living up to my duties to help you lately as your master, and that's on me. It's just…" he tried to figure out how to say this without hurting him more. "These past few weeks have been hell for me. Now I find out you're on a dark path to — to — to the evil we're fighting, and apparently my head is injured, and you don't know what it's like. You might not mean to, but your powers are killing me, Ezra," he pushed on so as not to linger on those words that just poured out his mouth, "the Dark side feeds of raw negative emotion, so you can't have positive feelings toward me."

"Kanan." Hera's hands were on his shoulder. "I don't think Ezra…"

"Shut up, Hera. He's not wrong." Ezra grit his teeth. Kanan felt a pang of offense on Hera's behalf, but Ezra continued. "Kanan is the only other Force-sensitive rebel here, the only one who might sense what I've doing. And no, I _don't_ have positive emotions around him. Look what I did to his eyes. But that doesn't mean I'd kriff him up. He took me in, when I was a stupid kid on my own. You _all_ did."

There was a silence, and Kanan had so many conflicted emotions. Of course he would take Ezra in, as he would train him, teach him to be a Jedi… but he had taken another road. After everything Kanan had done, one little bit of blindness was all it had took for him to let Ezra stray down this path — to lose him. "When you looked into my mind," Kanan found his voice slowly, "what did you see?"

Ezra clenched his fists, before turning away and muttering something indiscernible against the wall. It was almost like a chant.

"Ezra," Hera began, but Kanan reached out to stop her, his anxiety clouding over him. He sensed annoyance from her, so he began to whisper quickly.

"It… hurts, Hera. It's the Dark Side in a way I haven't seen before, different from Vader or anyone."

"What if that part's your…" Hera mused with doubtful melancholy, but Kanan clenched his teeth.

"It's dangerous. You can lose yourself in it, Hera. It's like a planetwide ocean that keeps spilling over its shores, and maybe Ezra thinks he can but he can't control them all. It's killing me," he hissed again without meaning to, as the dark and the cold and the fear and the rage came over him, only the rage was not his own — but it wasn't all Ezra's either — no, Ezra's main emotion presently seemed to be a deep sadness. But if not them, where did this anger come from?

The cold melted from Kanan's face, heating up like a fire, and suddenly he was aware a very dark presence in this room, far greater than Ezra.

And he lost his balance, all sense of directions, to the deep shivering cold. There was the sound of distraught voices over the ringing in his ears, but he couldn't hear what they were saying and it didn't seem all that important anyway, and then they were just background noise in the darkness.

Then a new voice, cold and echoing and far different from any of his friends.

_Caleb Dume._

He shivered, blinking, and saw a face in the blackness, disheveled and faint.

_Kanan Jarrus._

He looked around wildly. Other faces: some pretty, most far from it; but none were clear to make out. They all shared at least one trait in common — the Dark Side.

 _What do you want?_ Kanan tried to demand — only to find he was nothing but a shriek in the icy darkness.

 _We have what we want._ The voice answered him all the same.

 _No…_ Kanan's heart pounded, the fear wild in his chest. These, were Sith Lords — he didn't know how he knew that, but he was positive. _Real_ Sith Lords, of old. The kind you might have been killed by if you were a Jedi in the Old Republic. Resolve glared in Kanan's heart. _You don't have him. You never will. Not while I'm around. I'll fight for him._

_That is an interesting change of tune from the master who couldn't trouble himself to get out of bed._

Kanan was seething, but he couldn't counter an argument to that. They were right. He _had_ been useless since Malachor. He had been completely, utterly, worthless.

Key phrase being, 'had been'.

_You needn't trouble yourself further. It was his choice. He opened our holocron._

_And now you're corrupting him with it?_ Kanan's skin was freezing. Sure, the Dark side called to Ezra, he'd known that already, but he wasn't a bad person. Everybody had their vices. Kanan had long leaned dangerously near the objective definition of an alcoholic, but that didn't mean he would necessarily drink if handed a glass.

 _There was never anything there to corrupt._ The evil voice was flat, matter-of-fact. _He has a darkness in him that you cannot suppress. It was always in him. If the Jedi Order still were active, they would want to destroy him._

 _Well, they're not._ Bitter tears started at Kanan's eyes — _tears_ , to his sick joy, though he'd never been much of a crier. Though he couldn't seem to make sense of his physical form, he was sure he was crying. He could feel the awkwardly hot wetness he hadn't felt in so long. _I'm the Jedi Order now. Me_ and _Ezra. Master and apprentice._

_The apprentice doesn't want to be Jedi anymore. He's seen a higher calling. Yes, he was wary at first; he unleashed us because he desired the power to 'protect those he loves' — but that was all code words for vengeance. Soon he was begging us for instruction. His ripe and beautiful rage lead him. Oh, he didn't like the screams at first — he cried about how he hated himself, whined about how disappointed in him he was convinced you would be — but he would always obey. He's very intelligent. Yet you wouldn't believe the atrocious acts Ezra committed, when we told him it was the right thing to do._

Kanan felt numb — but moreover, bewildered. That couldn't have been going on since Malachor. Ezra had never left the planet! …had he? Kanan realized he didn't know. But Hera would, and wouldn't she have done something? Or had he lied to her about his missions? Then he remembered the disappearances of a few rebels who had wandered too near the fence, too near the spiders. Nothing… condemning… but Kanan couldn't feel the tears on his face anymore. He couldn't feel anything. He refused to feel horror for something that couldn't possibly be true. This was Ezra they were talking about. _I don't believe you._

 _You should_. There was almost a smile on the shadowed face, and that sent a shiver down Kanan's spine. _When Ezra came to us, he said it was because there was nothing more he could learn from his stupid, whiny, pathetic, holier-than-thou master, who never even graduated from his own. Who ran away at the end of the Clone Wars when his master needed him the most. When all the Jedi needed him most._

Anger burned at Kanan's throat, but he stowed it away forcefully; it was one of the hardest things he could currently remember doing. Because anger lead to hate, hate lead to suffering… all bad stuff for a Jedi. And Sith were liars. All he had learned in ancient history lessons had told him that Sith were dirty filthy liars — and this beast was the most deceptive of them all.

 _Do… do you know what I think?_ Kanan's heart pounded, the cold and the heat tumbling in his chest. _I think you're saying whatever you can think of to make me give up hope on Ezra. I think you know I'm a threat to your schemes. I think you're afraid of me. That's why you've sent me these tremors and Dark side feelings, the cold, the confusion, all pulsing out at me like a star destroyer from Ezra's subconscious. You_ needed _to cripple me before you launch your game. Security demanded it._

 _If that makes you feel better, Kanan Jarrus._ It was demeaning. But he didn't care.

Kanan couldn't be brought down by those words, not now. He pressed on. _I think it's because you know I could get through to him, given the chance. I think it's because you know Ezra loves me._

He finished with confidence at an all-time high, but it didn't exactly have the desired effect on the Sith Lords. There was a silence; and an even deeper darkness (if that was possible); then a soft yet unmistakably sinister laugh.

Darkness swirled around him in a way Kanan never could've imagined in normal reality, even when he'd had sight of his eyes.

The voice spoke again, a whistle in the hurricane before he was thrown back into his waking life. _You will regret dissing Lord Bane… enjoy it while you can._

 _Bane_ , he thought in horrified wonder, the name was familiar; but Hera was slapping at his face.

"Hey," he gasped, pushing her away — this was hardly her typical motherly approach — then he realized she must be mad at him.

"Kanan," she seemed relieved all the same. "It's okay. You'll be okay…"

Then he realized the background was loud, and a second later realized it was because Ezra was stomping around the room — positively screaming. "You promised you would keep them safe, Darth Revan!" Kanan heard, and that's when it all seemed to add up to.

"Ezra!" Kanan scrambled to his feet, his momentum headed all the way in his Paduwan's direction. Perfect aim. He threw his arms around him, but Ezra only stumbled back, shutting up. He seemed strange — disillusioned. "They hurt you," he said abruptly, his voice low. "It's my fault."

"I'm okay," Kanan tried again to hug him, but this time Ezra pulled away more roughly.

"No," he said, then after a pause: " _no_ ," he repeated, his lip curled into a scowl.

Kanan didn't try again to embrace him, but he still tried to reach out to Ezra with words. "I understand now, Ezra. I can help you fight this."

"And me." Hera, of course, hadn't experienced the vision, but if there was one thing they all knew it was she was looking out for her team. "I don't know much about the Force — the Light and Dark sides are complex energies, and I think you need to feel them to understand them. But if any of this is physical, any concrete problem that needs solving; I will be with you every step of the way. Both of you."

Kanan gazed towards her Force presence, more than a little starstruck in love, but Ezra only swallowed. It sounded dry. He then spoke, and his voice sounded faraway even though he stood right there. "That's… kind. Y'know, Hera, you might just be the kindest, most courageous, person I've ever met. You take care of Kanan, alright? I'm leaving him in good hands."

"Ezra, we stay together. All of us," she insisted, and Kanan heard her movement, but Ezra shook his head very hard and fast.

"I could open the holocron because apparently I have the mindset of a Sith, you _must_ know that. I'm not like you; which, believe me, wasn't easy to accept. None of this was what what I thought it'd be. Instead of just teachings like in the Jedi holocron — and you'll think I'm crazy as Kanan, but — there were also ghosts in that thing, I swear on the Force." Ezra's voice was intense, and his hands were definitely shaking a bit.

"I know," Kanan was so anguished, he elected to ignore the 'crazy as Kanan' jab. "I saw them. They were Sith Lords who lived millennia ago. Perhaps the Dark side granted them some twisted kind of life," he wondered if that was possible. Kanan had no idea. He really wished he had gotten more time with his own master before… before everything.

Ezra's eyes widened, and Kanan could've sworn he saw a glimmer of hope in the boy's eyes. "You saw them?" Ezra blinked then, narrowing his eyes as deep if in thought. "They didn't want you, did they." He said it more as a statement than a question.

"What can I say, I'm not really their type," Kanan quipped drily, but reached out gently through their bond. "But just because you are doesn't mean you have to follow them. They don't know two things about you. Plus, they're not the _only_ people who like having you around."

Kanan sensed longing yet despair in his Paduwan's mind, and his heart yearned back, _Don't despair Ezra, I know I wasn't there for you while you've suffered with this, but please give me one more chance to save you._ Almost abruptly, Ezra began to shield over his side of their bond as if in apprehension; and Kanan wondered if he'd gotten his vague idea.

Ezra's voice came out as distant, quiet; though it grew in power, and not in a good way: his tone in his dialogue practically showcased a quavering progression from desperate child to Sith apprentice. "I'm not doing this for _them_. After what they did to you, they could go kriff themselves for all I care. But they can teach me, and dammit they _get_ me. And they're the ones that hurt you, Kanan, and I didn't think they would, but I shouldn't have trusted them anyhow since they teach me to trust no one. I thought I could manage all this around you guys, but I can't! I'm putting you in danger! The Sith want the greatest for me but that's directly opposed to your jazz. And, the times I spent running with you were some of the best times of my life — I loved the feeling of helping people, really I did, but we can't all have the luxury of do-goodery. Somebody's gotta do what's necessary, for the greater good. You're a stain on my conscience because I know none of you will ever forgive me for what I must do to make things right. I never expected you to. I don't expect you to understand, and I don't expect you to love me. I'm not a part of your rebellion, and I'm definitely not a Jedi." And, back again. There was that desperate child, rearing his reluctant head. Ezra was shaking, if not crying, and had backed against a corner of the room. It was nigh on impossible not to feel horribly sorry for him; but at the same time, it was _absolutely_ impossible not to feel _afraid_. Afraid… of his own Ezra Bridger? Maybe that was the Dark side screwing with his own head. But the way he spoke… it was as if he had completely departed from the path of the good and true, and a part of him knew it.

But Kanan's heart pounded, and the words of Darth Bane rang back through his ears. The way Ezra was talking… what had he done? Could he have actually done something… bad? What Bane had told Kanan about Ezra's indoctrination into the Sith ways — was it possible that came anywhere near to the truth? Was Ezra really the monster he'd claimed? Kanan hated himself for considering any of that might be true about his Paduwan, but it wasn't even a stretch. He hadn't thought Ezra capable of any of this, not even of _trying_ to open the Sith holocron — forget actually doing it.

Was this boy a killer?

Kanan had seen Ezra hold back many times in battle, not willing to take that step. Thoroughly against it.

Was he now a killer of innocent lives? Was it even possible?

"Where would you go?" Hera broke in, her voice a loud ring in Kanan's ears, amazingly cool in this situation. "You want to join the Dark side? The Ezra I know would never join the Empire, but with what you're saying there's no way you're going back to your old ways either. Think about it."

Ezra's voice was soft, tired. "I was a street kid half my life. I think I can manage on my own." He leaned down; and presently Kanan could sense there were two objects in Ezra's hands. The holocron (oh, its aura still reeked of darkness and now betrayal) and Kanan's lightsaber. Probably because Ezra's was destroyed.

"Ezra." Kanan reached out a hand, silently begging him to take it. "I don't care what you've done. We're family." And he meant it. "The path you're going down… it's evil."

"Maybe it's the kind of evil the galaxy needs," Ezra's voice sounded on the verge of tears, but the Dark side within him seemed stronger than ever. "You were a great master, Kanan. I want you to know that."

Then there was a loud, deafening noise, so loud Kanan worried he might end up deaf as well as blind — and he was gone.

Kanan heard coughing from Hera, and his own nose seemed to breathe in solids. He choked. "What — what the hell happened!" His voice came out high-pitched, like the yelp from his own darkness, and he made himself shiver.

"He broke the base open, holy — stay here, Kanan." She took off at a run, leaving Kanan, standing alone in his blindness.

He felt dizzy and numb.

He could still sense Ezra, he realized, through their bond. Pure adrenaline and determination was racing through him, though the Dark side that glossed it over made Kanan want to cringe. Ezra had gotten himself into some very real evil… he had allowed the evil entrance into his very soul. That reality was hard to deny.

The wait was broken when he heard Hera's cry — "He took the _Ghost_!"

It was all downhill from there, the hopeless impossibility of doing anything more.

That was how it happened that it was such an embarrassingly long time before Kanan realized how deep into the Dark side Ezra had strayed; not to mention more than embarrassing: dooming. Dooming to more Galactic citizens than anything ever should have been.

Kanan wouldn't find Ezra until a year later; not for lack of trying. Hera had put all her energy to track him through hyperspace with every tech gadget they had. When Sabine and Zeb returned from their milk run, they were in horrified disbelief, not accepting what they were hearing for a considerable time after. And for the entire rest of his life Kanan was sure Commander Sato wanted nothing more than to kill him slowly — not that he ever tried anything.

In the future, Kanan would often look back at that day full of regret. After one full year, when the late Emperor Palpatine's rule was extinguished by the blue-haired Dark Lord of the Sith, who had seemed to appear out of _nowhere_ , the one who had once been a boy he used to know, all Kanan could feel was sadness while half the rebellion rejoiced. _The Emperor was dead!_ As were all his lieutenants. Sure, it wasn't them who did it — but there were still parties that Kanan couldn't even halfway enjoy.

Their celebrations didn't last long. With a few swift actions, the new Dark Lord made it very clear to all that his new age would be even more oppressive than the Emperor's had been. No more pretense. No more lies. Thus they entered into a new reign of terror.

As Dark Lord of the Sith, Ezra never hurt Kanan. He never permitted any of his forces to lay hands on the select few rebels that boy had met on Lothal; but he wouldn't hold audience with them, either. Maybe that was for the best. Ezra seemed utterly unreachable now, and Kanan didn't know how he would even deal with the idea that if he ever saw him, it would be best for everyone to do whatever he could to _end_ him, like Ezra had done to so many others. To give only one reason was the fate of Lothal, done in for whatever reason, Kanan assumed it had to be personal — apparently digging up the Emperor's frightening old 'Death Star' blueprints, Lothal was literally destroyed along with everyone on it. _Dead_. Still a better fate than many in the galaxy had under the new Sith Lord.

Kanan supposed he would never know what had lead his Paduwan — he would _always_ speak of him as his Paduwan — to become something so unlike his nature. The figure of Darkness with the navy blue hair. If only Kanan had been more wary, stronger in the Force, would things have turned out differently? If he hadn't let his sadness make him so susceptible to manipulation, so blind to his apprentice's doings, would he have been able to stop it before he'd begun? Could Kanan Jarrus have saved the universe from all this death — and most importantly to Kanan (though he was loathe to admit), could he have saved Ezra from the Dark Side he hadn't been strong enough to resist, before it was too late? Even as things had happened, if _only_ Kanan had responded more gently when the revelation had come out, would he have gotten through to him?

Or were the ghosts of the Sith Lords of Old too powerful, already with Ezra under their thumb, and did Kanan never have a chance?

He'd never know. But whenever there was some horrific Sith action on the holonet news, whenever Kanan heard what was going on in the world…

He remembered what a good kid Ezra Bridger had been, what a kind loving genuine person he was, through and through — and a part of Kanan always blamed himself for not being able to save his paduwan from Darth Jabba.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Darth Jabba!!! Hilarious, I know, right?!!! ...(actually, it was my brother's idea of what Ezra's Sith name would probably be, so I put it at the end just cuz, hope it distracted from all the depressingness!)
> 
> Okay, so you know in Clone Wars, Darth Bane's ghost was on Malachor, right? Like when Yoda visited there like the crazy lil guy he is and he met Darth Bane's ghost and stuff right? So it's totally plausible Bane would have snuck into the holocron? I HOPE I'm remembering this right... not like I checked... eep
> 
> Also anyways, the point in this story is just kanan's brain damage made him more susceptible to ezra's doings.
> 
> (My beta-less editing is crap and I couldn't think of a better word than "dissing" [Lord Bane] so what you gonna do.)
> 
> revan probably isn't in heaven.
> 
> have a nice day!


End file.
